By Jim & Sally Conway

When one of our girls was in seventh grade, we could tell as we spent time together at bed time that she was uneasy about something. This went on for two or three nights.  Finally she shared that she was being pressured to go steady with a boy at school. Then, a night or two later she explained that the boy had given her a ring to wear and she had taken it, but now she wanted to give it back to him.

It would have been so easy just to tell her what to do. But instead of giving her our direct advice about how to handle the situation, we wrestled through it together so that when she made the decision, it would be hers. That kind of communication — open, friendly, honest — is what helped us develop good relationships with our children.

Bedtime was a time when our girls would open up. Small kids are willing to talk then because they will do anything to keep from going to sleep.  We took advantage of that.  The girls learned that that was their special time with the parents alone.

Each girl was put to bed separately. We prayed together and chatted about whatever was on her mind. We assumed it would quit when the girls got into high school, but the tradition continued. They went off to college and when they came home to visit, they still expected us to spend time with them when they went off to bed.

We also found mealtimes to be a good time to talk.  In some families, meals are just for eating — “Stop talking and eat your peas.” It should be “Stop eating your peas and talk.”  The purpose of our meals was not primarily to eat but to enjoy each other — to share our lives. As a family we tried as much as possible to eat our meals together.

Sometimes that meant waiting for each other. When our kids got very busy in high school with a lot of extra activities or jobs, we would try to agree on when we were going to eat.  We wanted to be together as a family. Sometimes the house becomes a residential McDonald’s for picking up a sandwich and running.

Listening is important in communication. Often kids don’t get to explain their side of an issue. Our three girls say that it really helped to know they had a voice in what was happening. The decision didn’t necessarily go their way but they at least got to present their side.

As parents, we had to admit that many times our original viewpoint was not always the best. When we would give the girls a chance to explain the issue from their viewpoints, our decision was often changed. Rather than relying only on our partial knowledge or limited perspective, we were able to make better decisions. What our girls thought and felt was important to us.

Teens also need their privacy. They don’t have to tell all to their parents. If you have built a good relationship with them, they will want to share what is important and ask you for your help when they need it.

We tried to be ahead of our girls in teaching life development, but sometimes we found that we were behind. We remember getting a note saying our oldest daughter, then in sixth grade, would enter a sex education class in school. We had to hurry up and tell her the night before so she would hear it from us first. We had thought that we had plenty of time to bring up the subject.

Parents constantly need to remind themselves that their kids’ world is moving faster than they think. One way to keep up is to keep in close communication.

Reprinted with the permission of Jim Conway, Ph.D. President, Midlife Dimensions in the USA. You may contact the Conways on their website: www.midlife.com