If your marriage is shaky and your spouse doesn’t want help
By Dr Gary Chapman
This article is dedicated to those individuals who have asked their spouses to talk with their pastor, go for counselling, attend a seminar, read a book, or take some other avenue of marital growth, and the spouse has refused. Where do you go from there?
Let’s acknowledge from the very first that you cannot force your spouse to do anything. You cannot change your spouse. You say, “I know that, but I want him/her to change himself/herself.”
Such a statement is based on the assumption that the real problem in this relationship is with the behaviour of the spouse. If the spouse would change, then the marriage would improve.
Let me ask, “What do you want your spouse to change? Here are typical answers given by wives:
• I want him to spend more time with me.
• I wish he would be more considerate of my needs.
• I wish he would help me more around the house.
• I wish he would get a steady job.
• I wish he would be more romantic.
The husband typically responds:
• I wish she would be more responsive sexually.
• I wish she would give me some attention instead of spending all her time with the children.
• I wish she would recognize I have needs too.
• I wish she would not complain about the money.
Jesus indicated that this is the wrong way to try to improve a marriage relationship. Listen to this paraphrase of His words: “Judge not, that you be not judged. Why do you concentrate on the speck that is in your husband’s eye, but do not notice the beam in your own eye? Or how can you say to your wife, ‘Let me pull the speck out of your eye,’ and to not observe that there is a beam in your own eye? You hypocrite, first cast the beam out of your own eye, and then you can see clearly to cast the speck out of your mate’s eye” (based on Matt. 7:1-5).
Notice carefully; Jesus did not say, “There is nothing wrong with your spouse.” In fact, He indicates that there is a problem - the speck. Your spouse is not perfect. He or she needs to change, but that is not the place to begin.
It is amazing what can happen when you apply Jesus’ words to your marriage. The question to ask is this: “Lord, what is wrong with me? Where am I failing my spouse? What am I doing and saying that I should not? What am I failing to do and say that I should? In what way am I failing to meet his or her needs? In what way am I failing to express love (both romantic and tough)? If you can discern the beam in your own eye and remove it, then you will be far more productive in helping your spouse deal with his or her failures.
Find a quiet place and ask God to show you where you are failing your spouse. You may find it helpful to use David’s prayer recorded in Psalm 139:23-24: Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” Make a list of the things that God brings to mind. Then one by one confess these things to God and accept His forgiveness. Now ask God to fill you with His Holy Spirit and let you be His channel for expressing His love to your spouse.
Some evening when your spouse seems to be in a calm mood, ask for a few minutes to share something with him or her. Tell your spouse what you have done, and read the list of things God brought to your mind. Let your spouse know that you know these are not all your failures, but these are the ones that come to your mind. Tell him or her that you want to ask forgiveness. Tell him or her that you genuinely want to become a better wife or husband and that once a week for the next few months, you would like to ask for a suggestion as to how you can improve: something you can stop doing or saying or start doing or saying that will make you a better spouse.
Over the next several months, follow through by asking, “What suggestion do you have for me this week?” Seek to change in order to please your spouse. Ask God to transform you and make you the best possible spouse for your husband or wife.
Establish a daily quiet time with God in which you read a chapter from the Bible, marking at least one idea and talking to God about it. Philippians is a good book to begin with; then read some other New Testament books. Proverbs is also an excellent book to read for suggestions on living a positive life.
I emphasize your relationship with God because you will soon tire of this approach to marital growth unless you have His help. By nature, all of us love when we are loved. If our spouses express love, kindness, thoughtfulness and tenderness, we feel warmly toward them, even without God’s help. But if they are cold, rejecting, hateful, and harsh, we need supernatural power to keep on loving. God has this love and has been expressing it through the years (Romans 5:8). He will keep pouring it into your heart (Romans 5:5) and let you be His representative for loving your spouse.
After several months of this approach, if your spouse does not begin to open up and discuss the marriage and reach out for help, you may want to ask, “George, how do you think I’m doing as a wife?” If he responds positively, express appreciation and affirm that you are serious in your commitment to growth. Tell him you hope he will continue to see the difference.
Then say, “You know what would make me happy?” Give him one suggestion that you would like him to follow. Make your request specific and simple. Chances are good he will do it. If so, express appreciation and let him know how much it means to you. If not, don’t give up. Go on with your new approach and ask him again in a few weeks.
I cannot guarantee that your spouse will reciprocate and return your love in a few weeks, but I can guarantee that this is the best approach, because it is based on Jesus’ words. It is far more likely to be productive than your efforts at pressuring your spouse to change. In the process of changing yourself, you become a more mature Christian and will be able to go on living with God no matter what happens in your marriage. If your spouse leaves, he or she will be foolish. Why would anyone want to leave a spouse dedicated to meeting his or her needs? Such a spouse is hard to find.
As I give this advice, I am fully aware that some will read it who have alcoholic or abusive mates. Others have spouses who are involved in immoral extramarital affairs. It is possible that your mate’s behaviour is not related to your failures.
The steps I have outlined here are not the only steps in such cases, but I believe they are the beginning steps. If, after you have taken these steps, your mate continues in irresponsible behaviour, there is a time to follow our Lord’s example when He said to Israel, “O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, thou that killest the prophets, and stonest them which are sent unto thee, how often would I have gathered thy children together, even as a hen gathereth her chickens under her wings, and ye would not! Behold, your house is left unto you desolate” (Matthew 23:37,38, KJV)
Genuine love does not allow irresponsible behaviour to continue without results. You might say to your spouse, “I love you too much to sit by while you destroy yourself and me. I cannot believe that is the loving thing for me to do. Therefore, I will leave you to your choices. Unless you choose to change your behaviour and work on our marriage, I must leave.”
Such an approach should always be done with a therapeutic motive. Your action is designed to stimulate positive action in your spouse. At the same time, you must be ready to face the fact that your spouse may refuse to change. You must then be prepared to follow through with this tough-love approach. I suggest that you seek pastoral and legal counsel before taking such a step.
Dr Gary Chapman is the award wining author of the Five Love Languages, and many other books. Reprint permission granted by the author. Originally appeared in Husbands & Wives, edited by Hendricks & Neff, Victor Books Wheaton, Ill USA.
