Ten Ways to Build your Spouse’s Self Esteem
By Dennis and Barbara Rainey
Many women today are insecure. The women’s movement has redefined the traditional roles until many women no longer know what’s right for them, especially if they are wives and mothers.
Many men are equally insecure. They are not confident in their manhood. They don’t know who they are or how to behave. They don’t know how to be the family’s spiritual leader. That is why it is important for husbands and wives to build up each other’s self-esteem. This is what Scripture calls edifying one another (see Rom.14:19; I Thess. 5:11). The stronger each marriage partner becomes, the stronger the marriage becomes.
In our book, Building Your Mate’s Self-Esteem, we offer 10 building blocks for people who want to develop their partners’ self-esteem.
1. Accept your mate unconditionally. Many marriages start on an emotional base and try to build from there. But because emotions change as a husband and wife get to know each other, this is like building on sand. Acceptance is the bedrock that helps people move out of the quicksand of emotions.
When your mate knows you accept him or her totally, he or she has enough self-confidence to go on even when the way seems difficult.
2. Put the past in perspective. No one has a perfect past. An increasing number of people come to marriage with a history of moral failures. Many also bring a history of poor family life. One powerful way to build up your mate is to understand why he or she behaves in certain ways. This does not mean dwelling on the past, but rather using it to gain perspective from which to see a hopeful future.
Help your mate realise that the Gospel redeems us from the past, because God’s healing hand offers forgiveness and restoration.
3. Plant positive words in your mate. Words have the power either to contaminate another’s self-image or to plant the seeds of a growing, positive self-image. If you appreciate your mate’s fine qualities, he or she will begin to believe in himself or herself; if you systematically chip away at him or her, you will bring your mate down. Words of praise, affirmation, encouragement, and acceptance help the image of Christ begin to make its way through all the debris that is in your mate’s life. It is hollow to say you accept your mate if you do not back this up with affirming words.
4. Encourage your mate during difficult times. A time of suffering can be critical to the health of a marriage. It is important to go through suffering together, not rejecting or turning on each other but turning toward each other, expressing need for each other, and actively building up each other’s lives. When you express your need of another person, that person feels valued and worthwhile.
5. Give your mate freedom to fail. A lot of people are terrified of failure. They are afraid that if they let their guard down, the other person will reject them. There’s no joy in that kind of life. It’s a legalistic bondage where relationships can’t flourish. But a person can fail without being a failure.
If a husband and wife give each other the freedom to fail without withdrawing their acceptance, their belief, and their unconditional commitment, then they will have an atmosphere in which they can both grow and develop freely. They will have released each other from self-imprisonment to performance.
6. Please your mate. Let your mate know he or she is valued by doing the things that please him or her. Too often we let marriage rob us of our sense of romance. We stop cherishing each other. Don’t give up the sense of adventure, the thrill, the intrigue that marriage once had. Continue doing the things you did when you first dated, the things that let your beloved know he or she was of great value in your eyes.
7. Help your mate do what is right. Obviously you cannot obey God for another person. But you can create a family environment that enhances obedience. Rather than condemning or trying to make your mate change, model obedience and encourage your mate when he or she does what is right. Don’t take right choices for granted; affirm your mate for making them.
8. Help your mate develop friendships. It’s important to have friends outside your marriage – both friends as couples and friends individually. If the husband and wife depend only on each other for encouragement, they may begin to wonder about the other one’s genuineness.
When close friends who know you well accept you, believe in you, and encourage you, that bolsters the self-image of each marriage partner.
9. Help your mate keep life manageable. When you are constantly over-extended, always reacting to crises, always running to and fro, you can’t enjoy peace and contentment. A great way to help each other is to protect each other from the schedule monster. Clear your responsibilities through your partner. Encourage your mate to say no when necessary to keep life on the manageable side.
Take time to prayerfully contemplate how God’s Word applies to your life. A reasonable schedule can help both of you keep your perspective of who you are in Christ.
10. Help your mate discover a sense of destiny. Far too many people today think of themselves as just one of the 5-plus billion people in the world rather than as one of God’s elect with a chosen path to follow. We need to have a sense of Ephesians 2:10: “We are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” Your mate is the person who knows you best – your gifts, the pattern of your life, where you seem to click best, what brings you satisfaction. Likewise, you know your mate better than anyone else.
Thus marriage partners are uniquely qualified to help each other discover their mutual destiny. Helping each other find that sense of purpose is one of the most important things you can do for each other.
Reprint permission granted by FamilyLife, a division of Campus Crusade. See their web site:www.familylife.com
