Still a Family
By Annette Atherton
There is a danger that single parents may dissolve into a sea of self-pity and self-absorption. Unconsciously, the needs and worries of the children are not met and initially, at least, they feel neglected, shut out, wondering if it is their fault.
This all happens in complete oblivion. I know I was guilty of this myself. Dawning on me slowly, I realised that I was a single parent with two boisterous sons to take care of, but I desperately needed someone to take me under their wing and lick my wounds. There was a tremendously strong urge to withdraw into a private world of grief and analysis. The tendency to want to be alone and dissect ‘what went wrong’ in the relationship is normal. This activity is not usually productive and generally excludes the children who then begin to feel isolated or, worse, begin to blame themselves for your unhappiness.
The nights were long and lonely at first and I hated not being part of a couple, let alone a ‘proper’ family. My well-meaning sister used to invite us over for Sunday lunch or picnics with her family but this just seemed to exacerbate my frustration and sadness. It was a stark reminder that, that was what families were all about, sharing happy days together, mum, dad and children. I felt an outsider.
Once I snapped out of this pathetic selfishness (and I am not meaning to belittle these feelings because they are very real and difficult to cope with) I realised that there was hope to remain a family with my sons. Okay, their dad was out of the picture now and no one else was in the frame, but we could still have family times. It felt cosy and we grew incredibly close during that time.
We were a threesome for three years before I remarried and I can honestly say that those three years were deeply happy for us as a family. We laughed together, cried together, went through the gruesome teen years together, met each others’ new friends and disapproved or approved and discussed future possibilities.
At times those years were frightening for me as I had to take on the role of mum and dad and the extra responsibilities sometimes weighed heavily on my shoulders. I also had to acquire new skills - skills my former husband had always taken care of and been adept at, but which I had no hands-on knowledge of - painting and decorating, electrical problems which needed to be sorted, etc. Sometimes it was fun trying to solve these kinds of problems and if I was really stuck, then I called on a few trusty friends who were only too willing to help out and after the particular problem was fixed, we would all have a ‘potluck’ supper and a few drinks.
These friends became extremely important reserves of strength over the months and years that followed. I purposely chose friends who were either childless themselves or younger people who wanted to help out in a practical way with the boys. The couples who were without children took it upon themselves to ‘adopt’ my two as nephews and they were spoilt, not with material possessions, but with time and effort spent over homework or storytelling, or going canoeing and other activities which they were willing to participate in.
The younger people were about ten years my junior and therefore could relate quite easily to the boys. This was also useful for baby-sitting purposes but served a two-way purpose also. The young people were often at a loss at what to do on a night, so I would throw video and pizza parties in the winter and barbecues in the summer. This involved both my children and no-one felt excluded. So, rather thanour ‘family’ being reduced to three members, it was enlarged and was full of variety.
Of course, I still experienced extreme loneliness, which no amount of people crowding into your house can eliminate. It was a loneliness that only an inner peace could satisfy. It has to be stated here the importance of maintaining close contact with a group of friends whom you can trust and rely upon in emergencies or just when you want to off-load. It isn’t fair to expect your children to be your shoulder to cry upon when you need adult support and help. They still need to be able to be children and enjoy their childhood without feeling that the world is a terrible place and that they have to be their mother’s/father’s support.
The word family may conjure up all kinds of images, and it has often been said that ‘you can’t choose your family but you can choose your friends.’ Well, I say that you can choose your family! Frequently, friends become family members without realizing it. Many single people have needs to feel part of a family too and these are just the kind of people whom you could help and who could also help you. We are not meant to function on this planet as individuals but to work together with different types of people. It is not just couples getting married who ‘become one’. Groups of friends also can ‘become one’ when working towards the same goal, whether it is building a house together or taking care of someone else’s children for the evening. Remember that you are now head of the household and it is up to you to decide how your family is going to function.
Points to build up your family awareness:
1. Remind your children that you are still a family, so continue to use the word family to describe yourself and your children.
2. Plan family outings where it involves every member. Learn to play and laugh together. Outings do not have to involve financial outlay all the time. Flying a kite, riding bikes, picnics in the local park, visiting museums and libraries, these are all cheap activities. The barbecues I held did not involve me buying any food. All I provided was the charcoal, the others brought round enough sausages to feed an army!
3. Always support your children and others in your extended family by attending school events, i.e. sports days and parents’ evenings.
4. Include the support, if offered, of grandparents, uncles and aunts.
5. Join a single-parent group if there is one in your community, or start one of your own. You can build lasting friendships and the feeling of being involved in something worthwhile builds up your own self-esteem.
6. Try not to isolate your children from you too much. Adult company is important to you but not at the expense of making your children feel rejected.
7. Keep photographs of this time of your lives together. Many single-parent families fail to do this and end up with no tangible record of these years.
There are a few ‘don’ts’ to remember also:
1. Don’t let your children become ‘lone-rangers’ who consistently do their own thing. Spend time together.
2. Don’t refer to your family as a ‘broken home’.
3. Don’t get so busy each week with schedules which do not allow time for family togetherness and warmth.
4. Don’t waste time dreaming of the time when you may meet someone new and remarry. Enjoy the special time you have together now, you will regret it later if you are constantly fretting over what the future holds. The grass isn’t always greener on the other side!
Reprint permission granted by the author, Annette Atherton. This article first appeared in the English magazine, Promise. Annette’s articles have appeared in a variety of Christian publications.
