Is a ‘Totally Loving Marriage’ Possible Today?
Why is it so many Christian married couples seem unable to attain a really close totally loving marriage? A small minority appear to stay firmly situated on Cloud 9 for a lifetime, while the majority of us start with high hopes, hit a disillusionment stage, and then either never recover or settle for debilitating mediocrity. Tragically today, many who are deeply disappointed in their marriage, simply leave, then divorce and start over again to repeat the sad cycle. To make matters worse, some Christians believe we shouldn’t expect to ever have a wonderful marriage in the first place, since the Bible says in this life we will experience trials and tribulations. It is true we live in a fallen world, and it is equally true that all married persons live with imperfect spouses, but does it automatically follow that we can never experience a wonderful, totally fulfilling marriage on earth? The Christian gospel is based on the incredible premise of imperfect people being reconciled to a holy God (Rom. 5), and from this life-changing experience we should be equipped to demonstrate reconciliation to the full with our spouses.

Here’s what we mean by the phrase a totally loving marriage. It’s that all inclusive, rare abandon of one woman to one man (& vice versa), in the security and responsibility of marriage, enthusiastically giving love and service to the other (without keeping score), in a variety of public and private ways through body, soul and spirit communion. It brings together two humble and submissive children of God who are committed to blending godliness with humanness in their marriage relationship, for the glory of God first and then the pleasure and encouragement of their spouse.

We want to suggest that a married couple is not loving totally unless they are relating meaningfully through their total person in body, soul, and spirit. The classical Greeks believed Psyche was selected by the Greek god Eros as his lover, giving a plausible illustration to them of total loving. We believe, however, that the mystery for us is at least partially solved when we understand that God Himself, in the form of His Holy Spirit, is the third person in every Christian marriage, thus making it possible for a married couple to relate totally in spite of our fallen nature.

After 2000 years of Christian tradition and with easy access to the Scriptures, you would think Christian couples would be experiencing the freedom and joy and fulfillment of total intimate loving, all over the world. Not! Sadly, as in other departments of life today, most Christians have opted to live much like the world around us. When such basically destructive vices as independence, selfishness, pride and that measure of all things, my happiness, go unchecked we are unable to produce the fruit of the Spirit (Gal. 5:22) in our marriage. What can we do about this marital mediocrity? We believe God has designed three essential areas of intimate relating to be learned in marriage, and when all three are working well, we do experience total loving in Christian marriage. These three interconnected areas are loving emotionally, physically and spiritually.

1. Emotional Intimacy: In 1961 the first organized Christian approach to teaching elementary couple communication within marriage began with Marriage Encounter. Since then thousands of satisfied customers around the world have placed the Marriage Encounter advertising decal in the rear window of their cars. Why? Because they found that better communication generally means a more intimate marriage.

Since the mid 60’s hundreds of writers have provided countless volumes about the benefits that emotional closeness and intimacy bring to marriage. And in many of those books addressing the emotional needs we have as couples, they have addressed the soul needs of total loving very well. Forty years later, in addition to the wide variety of resources available today, some contemporary pastors are addressing the soul/emotional needs of people in Sunday services. This has brought more life application teaching to our congregations, although sometimes at the expense of solid biblical exposition of “thus saith the Lord.”

2. Physical Intimacy: Here we mean the body side of marriage that includes the physical, the sensual and the sexual. This department for many believers is truly a confusing maze of feelings, hunches, beliefs, convictions and superstitions, unresolved before marriage and now a source of more guilt than delight within marriage. One Sydney G.P. who has specialized in marital sexuality says he believes about one marriage in three hundred is truly physically satisfying to both partners. Why is the physical relationship in many Christian marriages far less satisfying and fulfilling than they had expected? We believe the answer has three parts:

One, many churches have failed in their divine duty to rightly handle the word of truth (2 Tim.2:15), particularly as the Scriptures apply to marriage (Eph. 5&6, Prov. 5, and the Song of Songs). By being mostly silent we have perpetrated the myth that God isn’t interested in our sexual relationship, therefore we shouldn’t be either. Nothing could be further from the truth. God created us male and female, with all the interesting and amazing bits of anatomy and the delightful sensations they transmit to the brain. The average young couple coming for premarital counsel believe that the sensual and sexual, though necessary, interesting and exciting, are really a bit suspect as far as God is concerned. Where did they get that idea? When Christian couples fail to understand that God blesses sexual intimacy within marriage, including it as a part of total loving, we actually close the door to reaching fulfillment according to God’s design. Tragically, at the same time, we open the door to temptation with all the wrong uses of sex that are so graphically portrayed in society around us.

Two, many parents have failed to prepare the next generation for marriage, saying little or nothing to their children about the rightness of physical intimacy in marriage. By never discussing the rightness of marital sex with their children, and leaving them to hear only about the wrong use of sex, many couples marry with great ambivalence toward their own bodies generally and sexual activity in particular. But our churches do premarital counselling very well these days, don’t they? Some do a great job of recommending books or tapes, but many don’t explain the strong connection between God’s design and God’s blessing on an exciting and fulfilling sex for lifetime.

And three, many married couples themselves have failed to take advantage of the help that is now available. Since the work of Masters and Johnson in the early 70s, and the serious research work that has been published by both male and female doctors since then, help is readily available. But in some cases, the will to do anything about it has gone. The initial sexual encounters to satisfy our curiosity were so embarrassing, hurtful and disappointing, that apart from producing 1.4 children, physical intimacy is reduced to a duty, a messy chore or worse, a forgotten art altogether. We trust the MarriageWorks video series will be a great encouragement to many.

3. Spiritual Intimacy: When it comes to a married couple relating spiritually in their marriage there is a great deal of disappointment. The majority of Christian couples express their faith by the things they do, like praying, reading the Bible, witnessing, going to church, rather than in the relational terms of who we are in Christ and with Christ. However, as disciples we are to become more like Him in our thoughts, attitudes and actions, and specifically in the ways we care for and serve the one we promised to love forever. Spiritual growth is often evidenced by our being spouse-centred rather than self-centred. We would recommend a few articulate writers who have a clear understanding of the importance of the spiritual to total loving: The Spiritually Intimate Marriage by Donald Harvey, Each for the Other by Bryan Chapell, Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas, Intimate Allies by Dan Allender and Tremper Longman, are some of these. If these books were read and applied to our lives today, Christian marriages would take a huge leap forward.

When God placed Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden He established spiritual intimacy with them both. They walked and talked together with their God as Friend and Mentor. If a Christian couple is to grow close to each other and their Lord today, they need to talk together, read and meditate on God’s Word together, serve the Lord and each other together, and thus become more like Christ one day at a time. This happens as we center our loving on Christ first, then each other.

How can we rectify the lack of spiritual intimacy in our marriage? First, acknowledge the Enemy is totally opposed to any behaviour that acknowledges God’s sovereignty over us. Satan will throw the world, the flesh and himself in our way to hinder us from maturing in Christ. If some of us only knew the benefits that spiritual growth brings to marriage, we would be blown away. Some couples have found the strength to address old wounds and offer forgiveness and healing, while others have found that their sexual intimacy has become so much more meaningful and wonderful. The truth is that when two people are walking in transparency with their Lord, the delights of Eden can be redeemed and enjoyed again and again.

Second, God’s presence must become a living reality in our marriage. We can read about it in the Bible, but when we experience it on a daily basis through a wonderful spouse, whose love is both a challenge and magnet to us, the power struggles, the need to win, the urge to get my own way, and the drive to control all seem so unnecessary. It is then we realize that it isn’t my love for my spouse, but rather it’s to be Christ’s love flowing through me, that is so winsome and attractive to him/her. We are getting back to where we should have started when we married, when we acknowledge that Christian marriage is a triangle; God, a husband and his wife. Our desire is to please the Lord first then to please each other. Praying together is an act of acknowledging God as Lord of our lives and our marriage, and His resources become ours as we walk in the power of His Spirit.

Why is this so hard to do? Is it because we’ve lost our sense of Eternity? We try to talk about the spiritual in temporal terms. We have not yet learned to lose our life in Christ, and consequently, we can’t find our life in Him either. We have accepted the status quo Christian life, and for many that only means being saved from hell. There’s no sense of being saved to be His hands, His feet, and His heart in this world. Like the Christian life without spiritual intimacy, the Christian marriage without it is empty and incomplete. Is it any wonder that George Barna’s research in the USA, indicates that so called Christian couples are breaking their marriage vows at about the same sad rate as non-Christians? But there is a bright spot. For those who regularly read the Bible and pray together, it’s about one in one thousand who break up.

Why should Christians strive to have a totally intimate marriage? First, because God has designed us to enjoy this life with Him as our constant companion. Second, we are better able to prepare the next generation for life and loving, and third, with that sort of satisfying and overflowing marriage, others will see Jesus in us - as the glory of our Father in Heaven shines through.

Jim & Grace Vine, founders of Family Life Programs, served with OAC Ministries for 49 years. Now in semi-retirement they continue to distribute their MarriageWorks material across Australia. Checkout their website.