Recently I have again been approached by the parents of a young Christian couple wishing to marry young, to ask whether they should support them or not. Is there anything they can do to help them ‘make it’? Having married young myself, this got me thinking; what factors have allowed us to mature together? What has made us stronger by the year rather than growing apart?

I began to think back to how well my parents handled my declaration that I was going to marry my boyfriend of 2 months when I was just 17. And how just a few months later my mum helped him sneak a ring out of my room to have it sized for a surprise friendship ring for my 18th birthday – which we then told both sets of parents it was an engagement ring. There was barely a flinch from my parents and just a ‘that was quick’ from his parents. With their acceptance we said it would be a while before we made it official. Sure enough, 12 months later we were officially engaged and then a further 6 months later, we married. Phil was just a few weeks past his 20th birthday and I was still 19.

Was it the right thing to do? We definitely think so but it wasn’t easy. Although we had the blessing and support of our parents we did receive some apprehension from other parts of the family. We also got a lot of negativity and comments from friends who said we were ‘being silly’, ‘setting yourselves up for failure’, ‘you don’t really know who you are yet’, ‘what if you change’. Determination and the excitement of a wedding let me brush all this aside and think positively. I do however recall about one week before the wedding, I briefly let all these comments get to me and I started to panic. A little while later Phil walked in and all my concerns melted away instantly and I knew that it would all be OK.

After the wedding came the next round of battles; the shock of the staff at the place where I started working just weeks after getting married, as I gave my details to the pay clerk. ‘Surely you can’t be married’, ‘you’re too young’, or ‘you must have been pregnant’ (this was very common!) Most were convinced we would grow apart.

So what are the key ingredients for a marriage to work when a couple are still young? One huge advantage of being young is that you are not set in your ways as an older single person may possibly be. The young though, often still living at home, have their own set of issues of inexperience to add to the equation. The hardest part is doing things for yourself when mum or dad have always done it for you. So as a parent of a young person it is imperative that you have imparted some life skills to help them cope with the practicalities of life.

So if you or your child wants to marry young, it’s not a right or wrong answer but an issue of being prepared. You know that saying, that almost everything in life requires study or practice but to get married which is a lifetime commitment requires nothing. It’s true but a good marriage does require effort, and without effort and compromise from both sides, it will be a much harder journey.

So they are madly in love and there is no question about that. But here are some other issues to consider that we feel helped us smooth our way before taking the plunge (& this goes for the not so young as well!) Remember, be honest and open about everything before getting married.

1. Careers

What do you want to do? Work or study and where will that job take you? Will it be in the city, country areas, mining towns or overseas? Are you both prepared for where your jobs will take you? Can you take your jobs together? A husband we met recently was the manager of a cattle property in the outback. His wife is a nurse and after trying station life for a short time, she has lived most of their married life in a town hours away and he visits her every few weeks for a few days. We observed a distant marriage. Don’t set yourself up for a lonely marriage. Some couples choose the fly in and fly out options, or stints in remote mining towns because of the amount of money that can be earned. This is a huge deception as most get caught up in the materialism that dominates this lifestyle and end up more in debt than they started with. Consider the motives behind your job choices. People happy in their job come home happier people.

2. Children

How many do you both want – if any. Be honest. Can you compromise if there is a 0 and 5 answer? Discuss the children topic before you get married. We have watched marriages break up over one not wanting any children and the other desperate. You need to discuss what you would do if you have an ‘accident’; will it be a gift from God or the death of your marriage? What if you have a sick or disabled child or worse, lose one? These are very real possibilities. We know a few couples that have become pregnant on their honeymoon and struggled to recover because they hadn’t even discussed children beforehand.

3. Money

The cause of so much angst. Talk about it before! Does someone have to have every CD or DVD ever produced, and the other has moths in their wallet? Can you live with joint accounts and be honest with each other? Deception over the family funds will undermine a marriage. We watch one couple who are lovely Christian people on their second marriage who keep both their funds separate. Their reason? It’s too complicated to separate joint accounts if something goes wrong again! If that’s not being negative over the survival of you marriage, nothing is!

4. Keeping house

Does he think she should do it all and she thinks they should share? Who’s cooking? This is one of those topics that will probably change the most as you go along. We started with Phil doing a lot of the cooking and I the housework, but as time has gone on we have chopped and changed jobs to the point where I do most of the cooking and we share housework. We often bargain off the jobs, eg. I’ll do the washing if you do the dishes!

5. Taking Advice

This is a big one. I’m not suggesting that you should do everything you are told, but I am suggesting that you should listen to everything, discuss it, sift it and decide whether it is for you. One of my most embarrassing memories was from before we were married. As we lived a long way apart, both our parents let us stay at the other’s house some weekends leading up to the wedding. A few times when Phil stayed at my house, in the evenings I would get tired, moody and not be so nice. My parents would tell me to go to bed because Phil should not have to put up with me just because I was tired! I was very upset and embarrassed and this happened more than once. I did however take it on and still today, if I get moody at night, I apologise that I am tired and put myself to bed. I could have been stubborn, not listened and made things quite miserable for both of us.

The last topic, but not the least, is what does the Bible say? When anyone gets married, be they young or not so young, the Bible says that when we get married, we become one flesh, just as Christ and the Church is one body (Ephesians 5:22-33). This means that you live for, and look out for the other person. It is no longer ‘me, myself and I’. If all couples went into marriage with the mindset of being one flesh - as one body and not two, and lived that way, then their marriage would be set on a firm foundation and off to a great start.

So should the parents of the couple who want to marry young be concerned? If the couple has taken the time to prepare and set themselves up for the future and discussed the major issues and have found compromise or a place they both can be happy with, then yes, support them in every way. If not, gently encourage them to discuss the major issues so both you and they can feel more at ease.

Just remember, they will get enough hassle from the outside world. They’ll need all your love and care to help them stand strong.

Cathy and Phil Stuart work in Australia’s outback with Spinifex Ministries. They do a great of encouragement to isolated Christians in the north of Western Australia and Northern Territory.
Find out more about them through their website www.spinifexministries.org.au .